quarta-feira, 24 de abril de 2013
every day life
the hardest part of all, is waking up in the morning and looking at my arm. remembering everything, getting asked what the cuts in my arms are. and how i got them.. what am i suppose to say 'hey, you know, my boyfriend forced me and then blackmailed me. oh, all that while he was screwing my best friend' ??????????? how can i do that? how am i supposed to be accepted by some one when i cut myself? how can i expect some one to understand it??? i am a freak. i am weak, and stupid. no one can go with that. i cant!!
domingo, 21 de abril de 2013
how it all started
So I'm going to tell you about my life, why i feel the need to cut and how it all started.
On summer 2008 I started talking with a friend of my sister, just so I could tease her. But me and the guy (T) started hiting it off and it got to the point where i talked with him cause i was falling for him. on september 15th we started dating. he was my first real boyfriend, and i was head over hills for him. it was just so perfect, he was sweet and king and funny and cute. he was older than me, and he had experience, so he knew what a girl likes and wants. thats how he got me. after a month or so he started pushing me into things i wasnt ready for (i was 13 at the time). he told me it was natural and that i needed to do it to prove him i loved him. he forced me into having sex with him, and then, after that, he would just tell me that either i did what he wanted me to, or he'd go tell every one i was a slut and that i had slept with him. so i went with it. i couldn't let me parents find out i wasnt a virgin at 13. it was too embarrassing, but it was true. i was a slut, i felt like it at the time, and i still do. it got to a point where i was kinda obsessed with him. he was the only thing i could think about. my grades started falling, all i talked about was him, i ran away from home, just to be with him, and the rumors appeared. but not about me. about T and my best friend, everyone was saying that they were together. that he was cheating on me. of course i didnt believe it. my own mother told me she saw them together, but i just couldnt believe it, how could the two people i loved the most do that to me? so i didnt do anything. until one day, i saw them together, and my world just fell apart. i passed thru them and i ignored them, i could talk, i couldnt breath, i could barely walk. but thats all i did, i walked past them, i ignored them, and i pretended i didnt knew them. it was all over. how could i be so stupid? after that, i was so lonely, so sad, that i started cutting myself. physical pain was much better than the pain i was feeling. i drove away all my friend at school. i was constantly crying, everyday my arm had a new cut. i cant tell you how many times i though about suicide. there was just one thing that stooped me from doing it. my family. i couldnt do that to my sister or my parents. i couldnt make my mom feel the pain i was feeling. it wasnt fair. one day, i was having an argument with my sister, and i just shouted, 'I hate you, i wish you were dead'. after that my dad called me, he asked me what happened and i just couldnt talk, i hugged him and i cried for hours. we were just sitting there, hugging and crying. that night i told my parents i needed help. i needed professional help. i had been cutting myself for over a year, and in 2010 i started seeing a psychiatry. she helped me a lot. but besides that i couldnt tell anyone what happened with T. no one knew. it was too embarrassing, i was so weak. i was a slut.
that summer i went on vacations with a friend of mine, and i met this boy, N, and he was the fist person i trusted again, the first person i ever told about T. he was a friend of a friend, and i met him at a club. after the club we went to the beach and he started talking, i told him everything, and he just hugged me. i've never felt so protected in my life. thats when i started falling for him. we were the entire summer together, i took his virginity and it was perfect, we didnt have sex, we made love , but when spetember came, he broke up with me, and i was devastated. the last day i saw him that summer, i had cutted me the night before, he saw my arm and asked me if that was because of him. i nodded and started crying. once again he hugged me and asked me to promise him that i'd never do that again. i couldnt speak. i just nod. i was so in love with him, that from the moment we broke up, i felt i wouldnt find anyone like him ever again.
a few months later, in february, i saw a friend of his in a party. my knees went weak and i just run away. the next day i received a text saying 'hey, my friend saw you yesterday at the party and told me and i just went there, i searched for you but i couldnt find you. im so sorry i broke up with you. i love you and i've been trying to talk to you ever since you went back to lisbon. please call me when you can. love N' i couldnt believe it. how could he do that to me? i answered ok and he said he wanted to see me. we started talking again and all the feeling came back.he was the one. we were together once again. but it didnt last. a few weeks later we had an argument and we stopped talking. he stopped answering. after a while he texted me saying that he was hurt that i broke up with him. turns out he sent me a huge message saying he wanted to take things slow so it would work out this time, i just didnt receive the message. we stayed friends but we didnt talk much. one day i was at a camp (i was going to do AFS and spend a year abroad), and i looked at my phone and my best friend had texted me saying she met N at the summer festival. i couldnt believe it. i texted him and we started talking again. it didnt take long until we started dating. it was for real this time. and i loved him so much. after 3 months (in september) i went to germany, but we continued dating. we had a long distance relationship, but it was better than ever. like a dream came true. but 6 months after i went to germany, in february, he stopped talking to me, and i was worried. he would just keep saying how i didnt deserve him and how he was such an asshole and etc, but he wouldnt tell me what happened. so i asked his bestfriend. turns out he cheated on me. with his best friend ex. i was devastated. how could the person who knew my story best, just do the same thing to his best friend? to me?? but i loved him too much to walk away. so i tried fighting for him. but he just wouldnt let me. so a month passed and when i had only 100 days left in germany, he updated his status saying 'almost back C. 100 <3'. i was so mad. i asked him if that status was meant for me and he said yes. he said he missed me and he wanted to make thing right. i was so wrong, so mad, i told him that i didnt know if i wanted to be with him, i didnt even knew if i wanted to go back home! he just said 'just remember, your home is not where you're living'. that sentence was stuck in my head. he was right. we started talking again and everything was getting back together. but one day i discovered he liked someone else, and a week later they started dating. he was telling me he was waiting for me and he wanted me, and then, just like that, he was dating. he couldnt wait 20 days?? he couldnt wait for me to go back home??? but okay, i understood. i had no right asking him to wait for me. so i said okay. hope you are happy with her. he wanted to stay friends but i couldnt.
when i got back i felt ready to be his friend. but i wasnt ready. when i say them together, my world fell. i was broken, again. in one month, he had done more with her than he had with me in 2 years. she met his parents, they had pictures together, he showed her off to everyone. he didnt do that with me. he never even told his parents he was seeing me. and thats what hurt me the most. that made me feel so insignificant, so small. i loved him, and he didnt do anything for me. but i moved on. i started dating an old boyfriend of mine, but as the summer came to an end, he told me he was leaving to london. i couldnt believe i was in the same place as i was a year before. starting a long distance relationship. it wasnt fair. am i not good enough to be happy? The N guy is still in my heart, even though he still has is girlfriend, and they are totally in love. she is really nice. she is exactly like me, but brunette. but psychologically we are the same. she has nightmairs where she dreams me and N are back together, and she is so afraid he'll ever leave her. she tells me she envy me because i was his first. but i envy her cause she might be his last. she has him. the guy i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i just cant let go of him a 100%. he was so important to me, but now he wont even talk to me, and he asks her not to. i've tried moving on, i was with other guys, but he will always be the one. every guy i'm with, i hope he his the one who will save me from this, who will make me never think of N again, but they just break my heart, and i'm so tired of it. how come i'm not happy, i havent done anything wrong. all i want is something that will make me wanna get up in the morning. it doesnt have to be a guy. just something. cause right now, all i want to, is to never wake up again. like that, my pain wont come back.
i never told anyone, but when i was in germany, there was a night where me and a friend almost got raped. we went out at night, and i was sleeping over at her house, so we went together back home. on the train this guy started talking with us, and we answered, like what could have happened? if only we knew. when it came to our stop, we left, and he left too a few moments later. my friend spoke the same language as i do, and she was a little drunk, so i just told her to hide with me in the bushes, but he said, 'hey girls, i see you, you can run but you cant hide'. it was so creepy. i told her to run and we started running, and he just ran after us, there was no one on the street, and a point she fell, and i went back to help her, but he got to us and he grabbed me. he started hugging me and kissing my neck and i was just fighting him off but i couldnt, so i bitten him as hard as i could, he was bleeding and he was so mad, he pushed me over to some bushes and grabbed my friend. i started hitting him but he wouldnt let go of her, so i started screaming. i scram as hard and high as i could, but no one could hear me. i saw a car coming so i jumped in front of it and scram. the car stopped. the guy finally let go of her and she was laughing. she was so drunk. we explained what happened and as soon as i got in the car, i started crying. i was desperate. he got to her house and i couldnt stop crying, i called N and he calmed me down. i couldnt sleep that night.
On summer 2008 I started talking with a friend of my sister, just so I could tease her. But me and the guy (T) started hiting it off and it got to the point where i talked with him cause i was falling for him. on september 15th we started dating. he was my first real boyfriend, and i was head over hills for him. it was just so perfect, he was sweet and king and funny and cute. he was older than me, and he had experience, so he knew what a girl likes and wants. thats how he got me. after a month or so he started pushing me into things i wasnt ready for (i was 13 at the time). he told me it was natural and that i needed to do it to prove him i loved him. he forced me into having sex with him, and then, after that, he would just tell me that either i did what he wanted me to, or he'd go tell every one i was a slut and that i had slept with him. so i went with it. i couldn't let me parents find out i wasnt a virgin at 13. it was too embarrassing, but it was true. i was a slut, i felt like it at the time, and i still do. it got to a point where i was kinda obsessed with him. he was the only thing i could think about. my grades started falling, all i talked about was him, i ran away from home, just to be with him, and the rumors appeared. but not about me. about T and my best friend, everyone was saying that they were together. that he was cheating on me. of course i didnt believe it. my own mother told me she saw them together, but i just couldnt believe it, how could the two people i loved the most do that to me? so i didnt do anything. until one day, i saw them together, and my world just fell apart. i passed thru them and i ignored them, i could talk, i couldnt breath, i could barely walk. but thats all i did, i walked past them, i ignored them, and i pretended i didnt knew them. it was all over. how could i be so stupid? after that, i was so lonely, so sad, that i started cutting myself. physical pain was much better than the pain i was feeling. i drove away all my friend at school. i was constantly crying, everyday my arm had a new cut. i cant tell you how many times i though about suicide. there was just one thing that stooped me from doing it. my family. i couldnt do that to my sister or my parents. i couldnt make my mom feel the pain i was feeling. it wasnt fair. one day, i was having an argument with my sister, and i just shouted, 'I hate you, i wish you were dead'. after that my dad called me, he asked me what happened and i just couldnt talk, i hugged him and i cried for hours. we were just sitting there, hugging and crying. that night i told my parents i needed help. i needed professional help. i had been cutting myself for over a year, and in 2010 i started seeing a psychiatry. she helped me a lot. but besides that i couldnt tell anyone what happened with T. no one knew. it was too embarrassing, i was so weak. i was a slut.
that summer i went on vacations with a friend of mine, and i met this boy, N, and he was the fist person i trusted again, the first person i ever told about T. he was a friend of a friend, and i met him at a club. after the club we went to the beach and he started talking, i told him everything, and he just hugged me. i've never felt so protected in my life. thats when i started falling for him. we were the entire summer together, i took his virginity and it was perfect, we didnt have sex, we made love , but when spetember came, he broke up with me, and i was devastated. the last day i saw him that summer, i had cutted me the night before, he saw my arm and asked me if that was because of him. i nodded and started crying. once again he hugged me and asked me to promise him that i'd never do that again. i couldnt speak. i just nod. i was so in love with him, that from the moment we broke up, i felt i wouldnt find anyone like him ever again.
a few months later, in february, i saw a friend of his in a party. my knees went weak and i just run away. the next day i received a text saying 'hey, my friend saw you yesterday at the party and told me and i just went there, i searched for you but i couldnt find you. im so sorry i broke up with you. i love you and i've been trying to talk to you ever since you went back to lisbon. please call me when you can. love N' i couldnt believe it. how could he do that to me? i answered ok and he said he wanted to see me. we started talking again and all the feeling came back.he was the one. we were together once again. but it didnt last. a few weeks later we had an argument and we stopped talking. he stopped answering. after a while he texted me saying that he was hurt that i broke up with him. turns out he sent me a huge message saying he wanted to take things slow so it would work out this time, i just didnt receive the message. we stayed friends but we didnt talk much. one day i was at a camp (i was going to do AFS and spend a year abroad), and i looked at my phone and my best friend had texted me saying she met N at the summer festival. i couldnt believe it. i texted him and we started talking again. it didnt take long until we started dating. it was for real this time. and i loved him so much. after 3 months (in september) i went to germany, but we continued dating. we had a long distance relationship, but it was better than ever. like a dream came true. but 6 months after i went to germany, in february, he stopped talking to me, and i was worried. he would just keep saying how i didnt deserve him and how he was such an asshole and etc, but he wouldnt tell me what happened. so i asked his bestfriend. turns out he cheated on me. with his best friend ex. i was devastated. how could the person who knew my story best, just do the same thing to his best friend? to me?? but i loved him too much to walk away. so i tried fighting for him. but he just wouldnt let me. so a month passed and when i had only 100 days left in germany, he updated his status saying 'almost back C. 100 <3'. i was so mad. i asked him if that status was meant for me and he said yes. he said he missed me and he wanted to make thing right. i was so wrong, so mad, i told him that i didnt know if i wanted to be with him, i didnt even knew if i wanted to go back home! he just said 'just remember, your home is not where you're living'. that sentence was stuck in my head. he was right. we started talking again and everything was getting back together. but one day i discovered he liked someone else, and a week later they started dating. he was telling me he was waiting for me and he wanted me, and then, just like that, he was dating. he couldnt wait 20 days?? he couldnt wait for me to go back home??? but okay, i understood. i had no right asking him to wait for me. so i said okay. hope you are happy with her. he wanted to stay friends but i couldnt.
when i got back i felt ready to be his friend. but i wasnt ready. when i say them together, my world fell. i was broken, again. in one month, he had done more with her than he had with me in 2 years. she met his parents, they had pictures together, he showed her off to everyone. he didnt do that with me. he never even told his parents he was seeing me. and thats what hurt me the most. that made me feel so insignificant, so small. i loved him, and he didnt do anything for me. but i moved on. i started dating an old boyfriend of mine, but as the summer came to an end, he told me he was leaving to london. i couldnt believe i was in the same place as i was a year before. starting a long distance relationship. it wasnt fair. am i not good enough to be happy? The N guy is still in my heart, even though he still has is girlfriend, and they are totally in love. she is really nice. she is exactly like me, but brunette. but psychologically we are the same. she has nightmairs where she dreams me and N are back together, and she is so afraid he'll ever leave her. she tells me she envy me because i was his first. but i envy her cause she might be his last. she has him. the guy i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with. i just cant let go of him a 100%. he was so important to me, but now he wont even talk to me, and he asks her not to. i've tried moving on, i was with other guys, but he will always be the one. every guy i'm with, i hope he his the one who will save me from this, who will make me never think of N again, but they just break my heart, and i'm so tired of it. how come i'm not happy, i havent done anything wrong. all i want is something that will make me wanna get up in the morning. it doesnt have to be a guy. just something. cause right now, all i want to, is to never wake up again. like that, my pain wont come back.
i never told anyone, but when i was in germany, there was a night where me and a friend almost got raped. we went out at night, and i was sleeping over at her house, so we went together back home. on the train this guy started talking with us, and we answered, like what could have happened? if only we knew. when it came to our stop, we left, and he left too a few moments later. my friend spoke the same language as i do, and she was a little drunk, so i just told her to hide with me in the bushes, but he said, 'hey girls, i see you, you can run but you cant hide'. it was so creepy. i told her to run and we started running, and he just ran after us, there was no one on the street, and a point she fell, and i went back to help her, but he got to us and he grabbed me. he started hugging me and kissing my neck and i was just fighting him off but i couldnt, so i bitten him as hard as i could, he was bleeding and he was so mad, he pushed me over to some bushes and grabbed my friend. i started hitting him but he wouldnt let go of her, so i started screaming. i scram as hard and high as i could, but no one could hear me. i saw a car coming so i jumped in front of it and scram. the car stopped. the guy finally let go of her and she was laughing. she was so drunk. we explained what happened and as soon as i got in the car, i started crying. i was desperate. he got to her house and i couldnt stop crying, i called N and he calmed me down. i couldnt sleep that night.
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